To All the Men I Tried to Tell

The #MeToo movement was bound to happen and many of you were shocked to see and hear that so many of your friends and family had difficult experiences in the past and they continue to occur. Lots of people will think, why didn’t they speak up? Why did they wait to tell anyone? Meanwhile we are thinking, why won’t they listen?

It doesn’t matter when it happened. It still happened. And only recently has there been some kind of willingness to hear these stories out. The good ol’ boys club is over and done. A lot of things happened as a result of what has been called ‘rape culture’ which has brought us to where we are now… facing the ugly collapse of the patriarchy. Time to take off the rose-colored glasses and count the number of victims who have been silenced by toxic masculinity. We cannot be silent anymore.

I’ve been touched. I’ve been catcalled. I’ve been groped. I’ve been emotionally beaten down. I’ve been harassed in most of my former workplaces, including public schools. Whenever I’ve mentioned something, I’ve been redirected, as if I were a child causing a problem. For a long time, and this embarrasses me to say it, but being a plus-size woman who has been stigmatized to believe her body was ‘ugly’ , I thought the come-ons and the unwanted advances were nice… like, oh at least someone finds me attractive, someone wants to give me attention. I used to be flattered. My self-esteem was so low that I thought that kind of attention was worth my time. IT WASN’T.

There was a guy at one of my old jobs who would make comments to me about wanting to sleep with me, asked me if I liked my hair pulled. He would text me, trying to make plans though he had a baby mama. Eventually he was fired for something completely unrelated and when I brought it up to a coworker after he left, they asked why I never said anything. I said I was the new person. I wanted to keep my job and I didn’t want to cause a disruption, which was true. I was let go some weeks after that, reason unknown. This man called me about a month later, just to see how things were, and I was shaken. He asked how I was and if I was in a relationship, which I had said yes, falsely thinking that would deter him. It had never worked. I felt scared and I was shocked by my own feelings. Now that the safety of the workplace was gone, could he find me? Would there be consequences? I called a close, trusted male friend, and told him that I was anxious and nervous, reeling from the short conversation I’d just had with this former coworker, and to be honest, my initial react of fear surprised me. My friend then told me that I’m such a positive, kind person, that the coworker was probably responding to that and was in need of a friend after all that, that I was overthinking, over-analyzing and there was little chance of anything happening. Later I realized, in the midst of the sexual harassment upheaval in the Chicago theater scene, that this friend was maybe not a friend, but another shining example of white male improviser who uses theater as a guise to stage sexism. I cannot begin to tell you the pain and hurt that comes from someone denying or ignoring your genuine pleas for comfort, patience and trust under these kinds of circumstances or worse.

In the past, prior to the #MeToo movement, (in my own experiences) when talking with other women, we all knew it wasn’t okay, but no one knew what to do about it. Some women perpetuated it to avoid feeling victimized. Others used the ‘boys will be boys’ excuse to assuage a situation. Many women empathized helplessly. What can be done? This has happened for centuries, women being treated as if less than, as if property, and law stated that was true for some time. How do we take back the power of our humanity and demand equality? Especially when female/feminine representation in places of power is still so limited. Positive peer pressure removed the gags from our mouths and truths came pouring out that were uncomfortable and absolutely necessary for the world to hear.

But hearing isn’t listening, is it? It is a brave choice to speak up about something that society believes you brought upon yourself. I had to actively change my brain over the years to NOT think “well, she’s kinda asking for it” when a woman is wearing a low-cut shirt or a short skirt. No one asks to be assaulted, raped or harassed. No one asks to be treated like an animal. If a woman is dressing provocatively or being playful or inebriated, that does not equal consent in any way, shape or form. It is not an open invitation. It is never the person’s fault for someone else acting impulsively on their actions. ‘Look what you made me do’ isn’t gonna fly anymore. No one made you do anything. When these events occur, there’s no winning for women in the end until they’ve decided to give up. Not giving enough details makes people doubt if someone is telling the truth. Giving too many details makes it seem like a fabricated story out to villainize someone else. On top of deciding to put your story out there,  there’s the fear of facing it in court, reliving it to achieve justice, the fallout of winning or losing, but mostly losing, the blame and shame that is placed on you by those who deny your story… none of which is easy or encouraging. This is why people don’t report these incidents. The consequences are almost harder than the event itself. And women never seem to win. A qualified, experienced, educated and tested woman lost an election to a wealthy white man who has never been in public service and bragged openly about sexually harassing and assaulting women… and he was elected in by WHITE WOMEN (52% I believe).

Meanwhile, everyone is concerned about the future for this individual who made harmful choices and acted out on them. And what about the children and teenagers who are victims of such crimes? How could they possibly know to say something when grown adults can’t seem to find a safe space to share their stories?  Also, how many men have been called out, acknowledged their bad behavior, and yet were still able to continue on with (some) integrity and the potential for fulfilling lives? Chris Brown assaulted Rihanna and he still has a career. Louis CK recently had a 15-minute surprise set at a comedy club in NYC and received a standing ovation. So why, when your life has ultimately been changed by the unconsenting actions of another, would you come out with that story, when there are examples all around of aggressors still thriving after being called out?

Women have taken responsibility for far more than their own actions for too long. So here’s what I’d like to say to you, Men. Is it all of you? No. But all of you have the ability to help us change these issues. Fact of the matter is that most of you will never experience the all-to-familiar fear that we are always braced for… the man who got off at the same stop as us, the one watching as we look at produce in the grocery store, the one smiling from his car window as we walk down the street, the way-too-forward customer we have to serve because that is our job, the guy we started dating and tried to leave but we didn’t know how to safely, the family member who gets too handsy when drinking but we are obligated to see them. The list doesn’t end and more often than not that fear is accompanied by intimidation and the feeling of being alone, helpless.

These things change us. They mold how we feel, how we see the world around us and it’s never for the better. It changes how we trust, how we love. We don’t expect you to relate, but we hope you’ll try to understand and take our side.

Please listen. Be open. Have compassion. Don’t blame; don’t even try to find justification for what happened. There isn’t any. Show up. Don’t be strong for us, but help us regain strength for ourselves. Men have been part of the problem for a long, long time, but you have a chance now to be part of the solution. Listen & believe us. Believe women. Believe survivors. Stand by us and help us change ‘normal’ for future generations to come.

One Size Does NOT Fit All: Ballads to My Big, Bad, Bothersome Body

Let me reiterate, ONE SIZE FITS SOME, If it doesn’t fit you, you are the exception and we can’t help you. You have now been invalidated and othered. Good day.

I didn’t realized 1/3 of the population (and increasing) could be considered an exception.

No one is supposed to hate their body… or anyone else’s for that matter. Much like gender, the idea or expectation of ‘healthy’ and ‘attractive’ is presented to us as a construct formed by a misinformed society. However, for most if not all of us, we are told from the beginning that our bodies aren’t enough to bring us success, love, or happiness – in fact, we are actually taught that our bodies bring quite the opposite.

“The world’s been telling me for 75 years that my body is bad. First for being female, then for being fat and then for being sick.” – From this CNN article

We talk about discrimination of all types; ethnicity, sexuality, etc – and they are all in need of conversation at all tables. However, for some reason people still ignore the discussion of obesity as if it’s a secret that we can’t address. Perhaps in years, this will be something that changes. Personally, I think it’s because obesity is believed to reside under the umbrella of ‘lifestyle choices’ versus an actual problem. As someone who has been labeled as such, I can tell you that no one forces me to eat poorly or to sit and watch my body expand. I was not born overweight. Yet, the way I have felt about my body throughout my life has purely been a product of a society that only accepts, praises and admires what it deems to be an appropriate body type.

I can say without shame that I have an eating disorder. I use food as a means to push down feelings I don’t know how to control. Being raised in a Catholic family, those feelings can stem anywhere from guilt to anger to unjustified pride. I do not blame my parents for that. I blame the culture that raised generations of people over hundreds of years.

I think many people can attest to emotional eating at times (i.e. Binge eating or compulsive eating). However, my metabolism doesn’t allow me to hide what my emotional eating has amounted to over the years. I remember being at a party a couple years ago while I was in therapy, and attending occasional meetings for Overeaters Anonymous, a support group for people with all kinds of eating disorders. A commercial came on the television discussing the issue of ‘binge eating’. A friend of mine, a liberal, progressive, woman (who I’m sure has her own insecurities but could be categorized having a thin frame), said something of the sort, “oh come on, that’s not real…” and I felt hurt, shamed and unlikely to ever bring this thing I was working through with anyone ever. My eating disorder is entirely manageable now that I am fully aware and understand my urges. I actually decided to not go to meetings as I felt that my compulsions were under control and weren’t nearly as severe as some others at these meetings. So for those of you reading this, feel free to talk to me about it, but know that I’m great and that this isn’t a problem you need to be concerned about.

Over the years, I have seen many doctors who focus on my weight as the root of all my problems. Sure, the weight doesn’t help, but I’m fully capable of doing literally anything. I do not have any chronic issues that stem from physical ailment. I’m not diabetic. I do not have heart problems. I do not have high cholesterol. I donate blood regularly. I walk everywhere and I enjoy exercising. I limit alcohol consumption. Base line: I’m healthy. I recently went to my doctor for an annual check-up. When I asked him if he had any suggestions for weight loss, as I’ve turned 31 and the idea of having children is ever presently lingering on my female brain, he had three suggestions: using an app (sure, ok), Keto (that’s a lot) and surgery (WTF?!). MyFitnessPal has been a great tool for making conscious decisions regarding what I do/eat. Keto is not something I can put into practice right now, though I know it works for lots of people. It’s not realistic for me at this moment. AND SURGERY?! At first, I was like, wow – really? I know that some people have gone through this and it’s been a super positive experience. HOWEVER, surgery is scary, expensive and not without permanent risks, many of which aren’t even fully researched because the procedure is relatively new over the past few decades. Mind you, this conversation lasted 5 minutes with a small, fit, gay man, who seemed hesitant to touch me at all during the examination. So, my concerns regarding weight as the only thing I felt was problematic, was met with extreme solutions and general disinterest in empathy or compassion.

I have heard or read  too many stories about fat people being shamed or bullied by educated medical professionals who have then misdiagnosed or mistreated them by deeming weight the issue by default.  No matter what, at the end of a doctor’s appt, the thesis is always – lose weight. Diets do not work. They enable instant gratification with no real pay off. Tough love encourages emotional eating.  It is not a motivator to get someone to act. Often if you don’t give someone the decency of value, they can often fall into the hole of ‘why bother’ and the problem worsens. The worst way to treat obesity is by making it out to be a problem. The pain I experience from being overweight is purely mental and emotional. The pain that stems from people in my life staring at me, telling me that if I lost weight, men would be lined up to date me or that I could have gotten that part or that I could pull off that look. Pain that stems from missing out on experiences due to weight limits or feeling like you literally can’t fit into something (like a booth at a restaurant) because your body won’t squeeze that way or that you have to hide yourself because your curves are obvious.

“My weight makes me anxious. I’m constantly sucking my stomach in when I stand, and if I’m sitting, I always grab a pillow or couch cushion to hold in front of it. I’m most comfortable in my bathrobe, alone. At the same time, my brain starves for attention. I want to be onstage. I want to be the one holding a microphone. So, I decided to split the difference with this photograph: to perform and to obscure. The worst part is that intellectually I know that I have worth beyond pounds and waist inches and stereotypes. But I still feel like I have to hide.”— SAM (NOT HIS REAL NAME)

From the article, Everything You Know About Obesity Is Wrong

As a woman in entertainment, particularly in comedy, I can tell you that I involuntarily make choices to prove I am attractive or worthy in scenes because I feel like I’m working against the perception of being overweight as an ugly attribute that I can’t deny on stage.  Being overweight affects no one other than myself, but if affects literally every moment and aspect of my life.

• You do not deserve shame for being overweight
• You are not less manly for being overweight
• You not less feminine for being overweight
• You do not have less value for being overweight
• You are not ugly for being overweight
• You do not deserve shame for being overweight
• You are not less able if you are overweight
• You are not lazy by default if you are overweight
• You are not poor by default if you are overweight
• You are not unclean by default if you are overweight
• You do not deserve shame for being overweight

What is so wrong with being overweight might I ask? Does my extra weight somehow harm someone else directly or is it somehow linked to the threat of terror or does it affect how close the doomsday clock is to midnight? Does my weight encourage systematic racism or enable those mentally unstable the ability to purchase and utilize assault rifles?

NO. The answer is NO. My weight is not a plight on society or a danger to anyone. It is not contagious. It is not dirty or impoverished or less worthy. I’m allowed to be attractive, SEXY, able, wealthy, EMPLOYED and fuckin’ proud of it. Not only am I allowed, I’m empowered. I have a right to love the body I live in.

Despite all the shit I’ve put up with over the years, I can say that everything I’ve done to get where I am has been in the exact same body. I’ve never broken a bone. I’ve never had surgery. It has not quit on me and it deserves the same respect in return.

I will close my thoughts with this: How then, do we influence change? Representation. If you find yourself feeling uncomfortable in your body, regardless of its appearance, I implore and encourage you to show it off. I promise you that there are people out there desperately looking for some kind of representation they can relate to. They need someone to say hey, you’re perfect – not who you were in high school, not who you hope to be one day, you are perfect as you are right now in this very moment. 

 

Thirty, Flirty and Being Enough

 

I hit 31 recently and as I’ve reflected over my accomplishments and goals, many of my thoughts circle back to the relationships I’ve nurtured over the years, my values, and what I’m willing to compromise for those relationships. I’ve put a lot of weight on my career versus focusing on committing to a person and starting some kind of family. I know that was the right thing for me. However, what I’ve noticed from my friends in the Creative communities and my friends who took the fork in the road to marriage and children, is that there’s a commonality in the difficulty of maintaining friendships as life continues on.

Friendships in your late 20’s-30’s are super strong and are probably the ones that will stand the test of time. On the down side, making new friendships becomes harder and holding on to those that are cherished involve more work as we collect baggage and are constantly testing those bonds over time. At my tender age of 31, I’ve realized I’ve become much more firm in what I’m willing to allow because I know my self-worth, I know what I deserve and I know what kind of friend I am. As I get older, those boundaries get harder to push. For instance, as an extrovert, I love meeting people and building new friendships. However, I’ve had to let people go that I care about because putting in the all the work to make a friendship last is exhausting and very unsatisfying. I’m a planner. I do things. I’m fine making a majority of the effort because that’s the kind of person I am, but I can’t keep reaching out with no follow through. That’s not a friendship. That’s convenience and ultimately, not worth making yourself vulnerable for.

I’ve been getting worn down a bit by trying to lift people up who simply want to partake in their pity party of one. If I let you in, then I’m 100% invested because the people in my life are a priority. I have a real hard time listening to friends live in their own self-shame, refusing to believe or consider other perspectives. And I know from personal experience that the only way to really change that is to make yourself believe you are enough. You are deserving. You are worthy. You are perfect in this moment, now. You want to change, great. You are struggling to make those changes? That’s okay, because you’re still amazing regardless.

I had a really great talk with my General Manager over the weekend about adult friendships and he made excellent points that resonated with me.  Some people are self-destructive and don’t give others a chance to help them and some people don’t give others a chance to succeed in helping – they only give them the opportunity to fail. When you open up to someone, yes you are making yourself vulnerable to be hurt, but you are also making yourself open to trust and strength and connection. You have to give people a chance to show up and that can only really be tested in a time of need. That’s the risk – that they won’t be there and you’ll be hurt and it will be painful, but you’ll know. Or they show up. If you hold friends to certain expectations, most of the time, people will rise to those expectations if they know what they are. If you expect people to fail you, why would they even try?

Part of being in a relationship, friendship or otherwise, is allowing someone in enough to really show up and help you. Trust is equal parts follow-through. If we are talking and I share my problems in detail and you are supportive, I hope you are trustworthy enough to know I am open, I am listening and you are safe. Sometimes you have to let someone help in order to let them be the best person they can be. There has to be give and take, but you have to let someone give.  We often shun away from sharing too much because we think our problems are solely our problems, or they are petty or ‘I don’t want to burden them on someone’. Those are valid thoughts, but that is doing a disservice to a friend who is genuinely trying to be a friend. Let people show up. If they aren’t given that access, they will eventually stop trying for fear that maybe they aren’t trusted. People crave connection, the very thing that erases the loneliness that comes with independence. The walls that we put up get so high, that eventually no one can get by and no one will want to. So we are closed off, and then it gets comfortable.

Another thing he told me is that if you make people chase you and you never let them catch up, you will end up alone. If you only let someone in enough to keep them hooked , but never truly let them in for good, they will eventually get tired and give up. This goes for romantic relationships especially. This is something I’ve discovered after constantly investing in people who are emotionally unavailable and it was really hard looking in that mirror. I’ve done a lot of chasing over the years, and I don’t think I’ve ever found what I was chasing all that time. I’m still working on that, but I’m really trying to chase after my own goals and ambitions instead of chasing after anyone at all.

As a creative, or even as a human being, it is so important to not only be your biggest fan, but to have people on your sidelines rooting for you. People who come to your aid when needed and if not needed, to check in on you because it’s been a minute. I’m not saying all friendships have to be rooted in weekly hangouts and daily conversations, but accessibility, accountability and follow-through are important. This all gets harder the more baggage we accumulate through our lives, but baggage is everywhere. So get over the baggage and bring it with you. Let it matter. That’s not weakness. That’s strength in character. There are people who can help carry it, let them if they want to.

To sum up, people are important and we should treat the people in our lives with respect, kindness and compassion. Time is a thing that there’s a limited amount of and I don’t like the idea of waiting to let people know the impact they have. According to the doomsday clock, we are two minutes to midnight… I’m not a scientist, I don’t know exactly what that means, but I do know that no one is guaranteed a full ride free from danger in this world and that I don’t have time to waste on people who don’t care about me in return. This isn’t meant to come off as high and mighty. I’m definitely not perfect and I will certainly make mistakes, but I’m done settling for less and allowing people to walk over me. Take me or leave me, baby.

 

My Body is a Temple (That Only I Can Desecrate)

 

I finished the Whole30.

If you’ve read my previous posts, you know it has been a journey of discovery. I did it. It’s done and I feel… a lot of things.

I decided to go on this program because I knew I wasn’t make good choices. I wasn’t feeling good regularly and I knew it was more often than not due to the crap I was putting into my body: an abundance of alcohol, regular take-out and a constant craving for cupcakes. I knew I needed a change that would instill better habits and get my body out of the funk it had been settling into. I am a big advocate of selfcare, and as an artist, I often forget the importance of making time for myself between shows, rehearsals, work, some semblance of a social life and sleep. I’ve come to realize through this process that selfcare is also NOURISHING the vessel which allows you to do all the things you want to or need to do.

We often think rewarding ourselves means buying that pizza slice and relishing in every greasy nibble or saying yes to that donut. Not that we should be denying ourselves, but as my therapist once enlightened me, these aren’t really rewards. Rewards generally have long-term positive consequences and fueling your digestive tract with the equivalent of diesel gas isn’t exactly great. I’ve tried to keep this in mind and remember that if I really want to reward myself, I can take myself to the movies or get a massage.

I haven’t really been open about the following admission, but it’s taken a while to fully accept this part of my life. I am a compulsive eater. Not in a severe sense, but more so I rely on food to comfort my negativity and oppress my anger. I discovered this in therapy some time ago and I went to Overeater’s Anonymous for a bit. I never quite felt like I fit in as I never felt like I needed that kind of support. However, I learned that the shame I feel for my diet habits and the state of my body is basically nonsense. It has almost become part of American culture to rely on food, especially sugar and alcohol, as a means of numbing ourselves. I am not alone. You are not alone. Unfortunately, it has become a cultural norm to ingest to oppress, whether it be Doritos, Vodka, Menthols or THC and it’s something that can only be battled by awareness and readjustment. I am not perfect and as much as I strive to do the best I can for my body, I know I will reach for the things that cause me pain. And then I say, “Not a great choice, but I still love who I am and I will do better tomorrow”.  No not every cocktail is a problem. Each chip is not a punishment. But I am the only one that can judge that when it comes to my own faults and imperfections.

The point is I make my choices. I know what’s best for me and my body. No one else. And I am no judge to anyone else. I’ve cut out sugar before and learned the benefits of living without it. (It’s great, btw). The best thing I learned from doing those cleanses is that food labels are telling. Sugar is in everything. The American Food Industry is certainly fucked up. A majority of people become addicted to all the things because of the sugar or other additives in it so people continue to buy it. Do you know how hard it was to find a salad dressing without sugar? And no one really cares about health. Crappy food leads to health problems which leads to more medical visits, which leads to more prescriptions. Everyone makes money except for the individual. I could go on, but back to the Whole30. This is the first time I’ve cut out gluten and dairy. I’ve cut out sugar before and it’s great, but as I mentioned, crazy hard because it is added into so many things now. I was really excited about the dairy and gluten because I’ve had a lot of digestive issues in the past and even though the sugar definitely helped, it didn’t quite resolve everything.

PROS: energy boost, consistent good mood, knee pain gone, mostly clear skin, NO digestive discomfort, no acid reflux or heart burn (even when consuming spicy foods), smaller appetite, reaching fullness faster, confident, shiny hair, healthy nails, normal body regulation, self awareness.

When reading about the positive effects that this has had on some people was crazy. Some people even said that getting pregnant was easier. I fully believe this as I have a lot of issues with my cycle, but not on the Whole30. I don’t know all of the biology or science behind it, but clearly my body is pleased with these changes and seems to be reacting well.

CONS:  Occasional headaches, time-consuming, penny pinching, difficult to be social, limited menu options, forgetting to hydrate

The hardest part, especially being a social butterfly, was not fully engaging in social things. I often found myself not going out with friends or making plans because I couldn’t indulge or my options were greatly limited. The few times I went out, I could really only drink soda water with a lemon or lime and although I didn’t mind the drink itself, I definitely felt out of place without a true libation in my hand. I hate salads and I rarely ever get them, so restaurants were never really exciting to go to. I often had to figure out my schedule around cooking meals. If I skipped a meal, it wasn’t the worst thing, and I certainly didn’t have hunger pains like I had felt in the past. But, if I left myself hungry, it made me more susceptible to cheating.

On the Whole30, if it was out of sight, it was out of mind. If I was focused on my meal plan, I didn’t really care about the cheese I wasn’t eating or the toast I didn’t have that morning. The moment I saw anything I couldn’t have, I wanted it… or at least my brain wanted it.

Now that it’s over, I still don’t really want it. Sure macaroni and cheese sounds great, but I don’t have a real impulse to get it. I’m more so afraid that it will kill me. As I’m reintroducing things back into my meals, I am more hesitant that the next thing I put in my mouth will make me feel like crap. As much as I hate giving into fear, I’m totally okay with it.

I love food. I always have and I will for a long time. I will also be constantly fighting my impulses to soothe my troubles with ice cream. Being aware of how these tasty things affect me helps me make better choices, which ultimately allows me to take better care of myself so I can keep pushing along as a person who hasn’t gotten everything they want out of life yet. I could not deny myself pizza and breakfast sandwiches forever ever if I truly wanted to, but moderation is key. Even now as I write down all this wisdom, I know that in actuality, it will be harder and I will be imperfect.  It is necessary to be gentle, compassionate and patient with myself.  Lastly – hydrate, hydrate, hydrate.

 

My Body is a Wonderland!

Whole30 – Week Two (We are half way BB!!!!!)

My dear friends – I feel amazing.

But I miss pizza. And frosting. Separately, not together.

But at the same time, the idea of eating differently seems like a foreign concept. My body feels great. My skin is clear. I know I have lost weight. My knees are rarely in pain and I feel light and lively most days and if I don’t, it’s because I know I haven’t had enough water or I didn’t eat enough. BECAUSE MY BODY IS USING FOOD FOR ITS INTENDED USE, NOT SOME GARBAGE HEAP. There is something nice about listening to your body and eating when you are hungry, but also knowing that your body is signalling for hunger because it needs more energy and as a result, I have a wealth of energy to do all the activities required of me on a daily basis, which as a creative, is practically endless.

I don’t really get hunger pains or “hangry”. More or less, I realize that I should eat because I get tired. And some times, if I want something sugary like a cupcake, or I smell pizza as I walk by a Domino’s, I drink water instead and the craving becomes dormant.

I’m starting to get excited about trying new recipes because there’s only so many ways you can eat meat and veggies for dinner. Now that my system has cleared out a lot of the junk I’ve been hoarding in it, flavors seem to be more pronounced in what I’m nourishing myself with. Everything tastes amazing! Looking back, it’s like the sugars and chemicals from American processes muted my taste buds.

Generally, everything is on an upswing! This routine is practically normalized in my apartment now and it’s nice. Though I will say, any social activity involving food or drink (so everything) feels very limiting, as it’s though I can’t be an active participant. It’s those moments when I remind myself that this is temporary. However, making plans is work.

Cooking for yourself every night is a privilege; and I don’t mean just putting together a salad from left over vegetables that are going bad. Making time to cook stuff, is hard when you work full time, and you want to see your friends, but you also have shows during the week that you’re in and others that you agreed to see. As well as, that new music you’re working on and the new instrument you’re learning. Oh and then doing laundry and cleaning your apartment. Like… it’s HARD and costly. How did my parents ever do it? How do any parents ever do it and not pass out over the counter? It’s no wonder why there’s a fast food addiction in this country.

Here are some incredible recipes I picked up!

Spaghetti Squash and Meat Sauce – Only big difference was I baked the squash in the over and made the sauce on the stove top!

Homemade Chicken Nuggets – I didn’t think these were crispy enough so on round two, I found compliant potate chips (Ingredients: potatoes, coconut oil and sea salt) and pounded those with some spices to create a breading

Pumpkin Apple Breakfast Bars – Great for getting out of making breakfast every morning. Filling and satisfying for getting into the Fall season.

Shepherd’s Pie  – I made this for a group meal! It was delicious!

 

My Body’s Going Through a Climate Change Too!

First Impressions On the Whole30

I have a long history of indigestion, heart burn, stomachaches – basically all the symptoms to imply I need Peptobismol as a staple in my diet. I pop antacids like white cheddar cheezits. I’ve never been diagnosed with anything to indicate that these are things that can’t be changed. I figured I need to do some sleuthing to help my body thrive at the tender age of 30 before things get worse.

My friends are great sources of inspiration to me and have often motivated me to try new things. First thing I tried was ‘Maximized Living’ which eliminated sugar and processed foods from my diet for 21 days. I’ve done this now several times and if my body is an audience, then I’d consider this a crowd pleaser. Generally, I feel more energized, my skin is glowing, I lose somewhere between 20-30 LBs and I have minimal digestive issues.

I was about to endeavor into yet another cleanse when my roommate had suggested trying the Whole30 and if you are not familiar, to put it short, it eliminates dairy, gluten, sugar, legumes, alcohol and basically any processed foods for 30 days; a bit more intense than the sugar cleanse with no weigh-ins until after the thing is done. Determined to feel better after a decadent summer, I said “YES, I CAN DO THIS” and my two roommates clasped my arm and joined in.

Today marks Day 8, having completed the first week.

PLAN & PREP

• My roommate, Anna, had mentioned the importance of planning and prepping to set yourself up for maximum success and avoiding any slip-ups. This checked out. However, being my father’s daughter, it meant traveling to different stores to get the best deal and as I don’t have a car, this became time-consuming and frustrating.
• Thanks to the internet, I didn’t have to read the book, though I’m sure it’s helpful. There are recipes at the touch of a google browser. The planning is part of the fun, I think. Luckily I like cooking and getting creative with meal times has expanded my cerebral recipe rolodex rather than having pasta and microwave meals on rotation.
• It has taken me a lot of time to plan according, and plan for each meal in advance, but I’m starting to see it as a ritual of self care, which has been nice.

SO MUCH SHOPPING

• My first week, I found good recipes and filled out a shopping list, not paying attention to prices. THIS WAS A BAD IDEA. For instance, I noticed Trader Joe’s sold grass-fed sirloin that was Whole30 recommended. I planned it into my week and then when I went to purchase noticed that it was $10.99 for a chunk of meat about the size of 48 Ct. box of Crayolas. Perhaps that shouldn’t be surprising, BUT I WAS SURPRISED and I bought it anyway and it was delicious, but I could have planned better to avoid spending so much.
• I thought because I was cutting out so much, I’d be spending less. EVERYONE WINS! This was not true. The good stuff is costly, but I realized that without the cost of drinking regularly, it evened out probably.
• Paleo Bacon is a thing and totally compliant on Whole30 AND still tastes like bacon.

ENERGY, ENERGY, ENERGY

• By Day 3, I’ve already felt immense increase in energy; probably as a result of eating food that my body was designed to digest and use properly according to biology text books. If I am tired, it is because I haven’t eaten or I am dehydrated. Those signals that my anatomy sends to my brain are starting to make sense.
• Water is very important. Through this whole thing, if I don’t drink enough water, I am tired. If I don’t drink enough water, I am easily starving between any snack or meal. If I don’t drink enough water, I start squeaking and creaking like the Tinman pre-Dorothy. Water is very important.
• NO DIGESTIONAL DISCOMFORT OF ANY KIND and everything tastes good.

BEST MOMENTS

• Making amazing meals and bragging about them at work because people think they look/smell better than the crap they bought from Subway.
• Feeling tired and eating dinner before I had to perform then having an insane surge of energy as I’m heading onstage infront of a sold-out audience.
• Cooking and sharing meals with my roommates
• The general positivity and good feeling from taking care of yourself (priceless)
• As you are counting your way through, each day gone is a day you successfully completed! Gold star for will power!
• I am a very good cook. Several of my recipes have turned out to be some of the best meals I’ve ever cooked and a couple of them came right out of my ol’ mindbrain.

WORST MOMENTS

• Any time spent at a bar or around people drinking. As an entertainer, drinking has become something so regular and routine that not having just one beer makes you feel like you’re on the outside of the party. The people are great and it’s not a deterent persay, but it’s definitely not as fun as it could be. Giving up alcohol hasn’t been hard, but the social dynamic of these occurrences feels very different.
• Any shared meal time with regular people. It doesn’t bother me that I’ve changed my diet until I see someone with something I can’t have. If I see you with wings, you are immediately dead to me.
• I am eating my money, basically.

 

NEW RECIPES:

Chicken Pot Pie Soup

Chicken Tacos with Lettuce Wraps (this I made up all on my own – see below)

• Ingredients: Ground Chicken
  , Head of Lettuce, Tomato, Onion, Cilantro, Lime, Olive Oil, Taco Seasoning (Cumin, Pepper, Salt, Paprika, Chili Powder, Cayenne)
  1. Cook Chicken & add seasoning
  2. Gently peel off 2-3 layers of lettuce to create cups for chicken
  3. Chop up tomato, onion and cilantro and mix with olive oil (opt. salt & pepper)
  4. Spoon chicken into lettuce wrap, top with homemade Pico de Gallo and squeeze lime over as a finishing touch

Egg Scramble with Potato and Paleo Bacon with Onion and Hot Sauce

• Cut up potatoes and boil until tender, add to frying pan with egg and bacon (should already be cooked) with onion, top with hot sauce

 

 

How to Persuade Your Parents Trump is Bad and Reunite Your Family

I recently had a conversation with my mother where we discussed the election and politics. Often we are told, politics among other things, should never be discussed in certain atmospheres – MALARKY. How do we grow and change if the most difficult topics aren’t discussed – if we aren’t open to different ideas or opposing arguments? Nothing changes. We don’t evolve. We digress and we die. My mother is a lovely human being. She is compassionate, kind and has no desire to cause ill-will to anyone. Her voice matters and her opinions matter, especially to me. However, as we were talking I realized she wasn’t as informed on certain things as she could be. Being media savvy like much of my generation, it’s easy for me to navigate the interwebs, research news stories and get all the gritty on these candidates.

This post is meant to provide resources and materials to influence parents, relatives and close ones who may only be getting one side of the news feed. My family is full of Catholic conservatives from a generation where racism and privilege were bred and nurtured. They were raised and influenced in a different time, and cannot be blamed for being a product of a primarily white-dominated culture in an era of paranoia and secrecy (the 60’s-80’s). Earlier today I tried to Google, “How to convince my parents to vote democrat” – I found very little of help, but that’s also a loaded request (duh). So if you find yourself in my boat of trying to persuade or discuss this topic with your family members – perhaps this collection of articles and videos might help. Good luck in your endeavors. Politics is obviously a very sticky subject, but it does seem very apparent to me that Trump Divides Families.

Donald Trump has been accused of rape. The fact that this is being said of a presidential nominee should be enough to make you doubt or questions his character. The media has not covered it at all and it is a MAJOR PROBLEM.  Honestly, is this a man you want your children to look up to and follow?

He’s a racist and shows no remorse. He has made racist remarks before. In this circumstance, its regarding a Muslim U.S. military captain who gave his life saving others in the Middle East. This epitomizes his bigotry in that he doesn’t even convey sympathy over a fallen soldier simply because of his religion. His racism has lasted decades. This is a man that has also been likened to Hitler, with his views on Muslims and his interest in banning them from immigrating to the states.

Not only is he racist, he has encouraged and enabled people to be violent. The rally in Chicago during the primaries was cancelled because of high tensions between protesters and supporters. Shouldn’t a presidential candidate incite peace? Respect? Human decency? This is a great piece by Rachel Maddow aired on MSNBC pretty much sums it up. By the way, Black Lives Matters and I say that because many people don’t seem to realize that it is Black lives that are being targeted, harassed and put in danger in a scarily marginalized type of way, so yes – they matter. They are worth defending. We should do everything to keep everyone safe. Black Lives Matter is a movement, a powerful one that should not be quieted.  IT IS NOT A TERRORIST GROUP. THEY ARE NOT OUT TO HARM ANYONE..

The GOP is self-destructing. As seen in this video by Ezra Klein, Trump has zero political experience and many of the more notable and respectable Republicans did not show up to endorse or support his nomination. While he is a businessman and a pretty successful one at that, he has had some major failures that warrant the question of how consistent his success has been. Even though America is a country that thrives on business, the United States is a country full of culture, history and diversity; not a money-making machine. Would Donald Trump rather lose money or lives? That’s not something I’d like to weigh in the balance.

And what about Donald and the world at large? His foreign policy is absurd and radical, probably unrealistic, but a government under his leadership could mean something terrifying. His connections with Putin could be concerning enough – especially when he asks Russia to start hacking for Clinton’s missing emails.  Are you kidding me? Sure, she may have already risked national security with whatever was in those emails – but yeah, let’s fight fire with fire. That seems logical.  Invite our enemies into our beds to smother us in our sleep. That will help this country get great again.

Donald Trump is a misogynist. Women have been fighting tooth and nail to be treated equally, get paid equally and there are so many other levels of feminism that aren’t even being discussed here – but his ideals would definitely take us back at least 40-50 years. Thinking of my future daughters and nieces, I’d like to think that they would have as many opportunities as any man regardless of appearance, age or sexuality. Here’s more evidence. And some more.

Women should be punished for having abortions?  Pro-life and pro-choice beliefs are both respectable, but this is 2016 America. This view is so outdated and so extreme, the only people agreeing with this are still reading history textbooks from the 1800s. Since this interview, he has addressed these remarks, but you put the man in the hot seat with a camera on his face, and this is the crap he starts spewing?

Not only is he clearly sexist and a misogynist, he also has issues with the LGBT community. He has not spoken a lot to the topic other than having been quoted as saying “I do not support gay marriage” in many ways. Mike Pence, his VP, has a firm stance on the LGBT community and it does nothing to help the progress that has been made. Even though Trump has made statements that seem pro-LGBTQ, there is much doubt as to whether he is being honest or sincere.

Perhaps some of these things are heresay, and maybe the media is spinning it a certain way, but you add all of them up – isn’t that enough to make you doubt his ability, or his character? Would you really want to put this man up for PRESIDENT of the UNITED STATES, one of the most powerful nations in the world – a world that is full of extremism and nuclear weapons – a world that already kinda doesn’t like the USA because of our greedy, arrogant, self-righteous, get in the middle of everything attitude? Jon Stewart, the Obi-Wan of the States, explains it all.

Hillary Clinton isn’t perfect. That’s true. There are legitimate concerns over some of her views on things, but here’s where I choose her over him. She’s got years of experience. She knows how to play the political game better than anyone. Being a woman in politics (and First Lady), she has persevered and fought lots of assholes to get to where she is AND she’s been endorsed by a number of reputable, noteworthy do-gooders in the DNC, like Bernie himself – because even he sees the danger in putting a man like Trump in to a national place of power. She is trying to BRING people TOGETHER rather than DIVIDE them, no matter the differences. She HAD to listen to Bernie supporters in order to UNITE the party. At the end of the day, I feel like people like Elizabeth Warren and Bernie Sanders will help hold Hillary accountable and it does seem like Americans are paying more attention than they have before. It will be harder for her to go back on her word now. Bernie Sanders even wrote his supporters an OpEd piece to advocate for voting in HRC.

All I’m saying is – if you are an American, you have a responsibility to do your part and voice your choice, but this is an election where that responsibility is weighed heavily. Be informed. Watch the news. Vote at the height of your intelligence.

 

Fate of the Union

We can all agree that it’s been a rough few months, or even years. The struggle has been much longer for some of us than others. You could even argue that the struggle is constant and ever-changing but always there. Like many, I’ve felt a million different things in the wake of these tragedies, ripping the band-aid off of a nation that wants to heal but its wound seems to re-open at every chance it has. It can’t even scab over. At this point, we can only numb it out and hope that when we look back at it maybe it will have been erased, leaving a tiny scar, but chances are it will still be bleeding.

One thing is undeniable – we are all human, with hearts that feel a wealth of emotions; that are vulnerable; that are strong enough to fight and fight long and hard; that are worthy, that are enough; that matter as much as anyone else’s. In that commonality – you’d think that we would find peace in that, that we’d be more compassionate because who else could understand better? And yet, we sit in our differences and say, I am right, you are wrong so you must be punished, or better yet, destroyed.

The events in Orlando are devastating and unimaginable. What outrages me more than anything is that – THIS. WAS. PREVENTABLE. This should have been dealt with after Sandy Hook. BUT NO. Guns weren’t the problem. It was the individual. He was fucked up and should have been helped well before he decided to go in a massacre a bunch of kids. KIDS. CHILDREN. PEOPLE. So, okay. One battle at a time because focusing on part of the problem is better than ignoring it entirely. Let’s make healthcare affordable. Let’s make mental health a priority. Let’s talk about it for a few months and not pass anything to help anyone. The only thing that seems to have stuck is that healthcare is mandatorily available to everyone AT A HUGE FUCKING COST.

Here’s a fun story – a friend of mine has a full-time job. Works her ass off. She struggled in service jobs for years so she could have time and money to pursue things that make her happy (because honestly, how many of us are actually completely satisfied from our paying jobs?) like art and theater. She was finally able to land a 9 to 5. Weekends off. Nights free. Benefits. What more can you ask for? Well, her major coverage plan went into action and is now costing her $300 a month. She can’t opt out. If she did, she’d have to pay the federal fee for not being covered. Or find a new job with different coverage so she could get out of paying that exorbitant amount of money. Also, she was just comfortable with her hourly wage before her healthcare costs,  and so she’s back at pinching pennies or sacrificing things that actually make her happy to so she can be covered if she ‘happens’ to get sick over the year, she will still have to pay lots of co-pays for visits and or medications. AND I’M CERTAIN MENTAL HEALTH ISN’T EVEN COVERED.

And she’s considered ‘middle class’. Bitch, please. Why anyone is struggling in the wealthiest country in the world is beyond me – but most of us Gen Y’ers or Millennials can barely keep our head above the water at this point.

Let’s get back to mental health. I keep hearing this argument on the pro-gun side about getting guns out of the hands of ‘bad’ people and and giving them to the ‘good’ people. Could we be any more subjective? Cause we are all born good or bad? People can be generalized so easy? Can you tell from looking at them where they fit? I guess maybe if they’re wearing a turban, they’re bad but if they’re wearing a button down suit and walking out of a skyscraper, totally a good person. Yes and all people in prison were always bad. No one was once good and fell victim to the wrong influence – NAMED SOCIETY. And these people who are good? I wouldn’t trust them with a carrot, let alone a gun. Some of these ‘good’ people would never let their emotions run them over and shoot someone out of rage or fear. Actually, no that’s fine if you’re wearing a badge. I’m sorry. My bad.

Oh wait. If you’re while, male and educated – you’re probably okay too. Money helps also. Or an Athletic ability. See Brock Turner. Then see The Hunting Ground.

And good people never have bad things happen to them that change them forever – making them capable of hurting or harming others. NEVER. Especially if you are religious. Your actions reflect that of your lord, your God and if it’s done in it’s name, you’re okay.

It’s all far more complicated, folks. Someone on facebook posted this: 

Completely true. We are a young country – we choose pride over vulnerability. I know we aren’t alone in giving prejudices life, culturally. However, we seem to be the frontrunner for gun-related crimes, fueled by indifference, hate and fear. We have every example in the world of peace and higher morale – we have extensive research. And people refuse to listen. Really, we are a country that has thrived on a few ‘good’ white guys telling everyone else to do for so long that now when things are being challenged by women, by minorities, by the LGBTQ+ community, they are like children acting out because they don’t know how to share. They never had to before. So they need to be taught. And there need to be consequences, proper consequences – none of this ‘6 months with probation and early release with good behavior’ bullshit. What a lesson you’ve taught with that malarky.

Sure, the individual is a problem – because he/she/it is a product of society. That will take years, decades, maybe centuries to turn around. It’s a long-term problem which need to have  quick solutions with long-term effects. GUNS STILL KILL PEOPLE. A person alone is unlikely to kill anyone or anything. Put a weapon in that hand that does the job for them, well, you’ve increased the odds immensely. So, let’s take away the toys shall we? See what happens. I mean, even if they were to enforce a ban, lay down some control and say hey – let’s just see what happens. Let’s see if this helps –  how much worse could it get? (Please don’t answer that).

I’d like to take this moment to point out that the constitution was written in a different time, a different era by a society far different from the one we are currently living in; a society that didn’t really have a huge organized army, so guns were used for militia and providing for one’s family. The second amendment was made because of the context of the times. That power has been abused for a long time, hundreds of years maybe. Let’s also take notice of the fact that the word amendment has the word “amend” in it – I daresay the four fathers gave us the ability to AMEND as we see fit. Also, these aren’t natural rights – they are rights that we bestowed upon ourselves as a country, which you could then argue that we have the power to change that right as well. You want to protect your family? That’s honorable. Get a security system. You want to protect yourself? Read a book. Watch a documentary. Be skeptical. Ask questions. Get educated.

Guns cause fear and harm. They take lives. Who made you God? Cause thinking you can place judgment on someone else’s life and pull the trigger… textbook sin.

Seems like the only time we come together is during a tragedy and I’m tired of seeing people pay the price for compassion. Yes, it is inspiring, encouraging and hopeful to see the amounts of love and strength outpouring all over the world during hard times – but why does it take death and suffering to feel it? Do we forget all too often that we share beating hearts that can hear each other if we pause and listen?

Speak up friends – things are changing and we are swinging in the balance.

 

 

 

 

Beauty Tips- Ways to a New You!

There’s a lot of ugly in this world, am I right ladies?! These are my fool proof ways to make everyone notice you in a room, from that handsome devil drinking his whiskey on the rocks in the corner, to that boss lady who you have adored from a far for months because she is an inspiration. We all know that at the end of the day, all we want is to be acknowledged, validated and feel as if we were seen. You are enough and you deserve to show it off!

Laugh and lean into the joy – don’t give a fuck about wrinkles. They are charming and scream, “I spent my money on memories, not botox.”

Show compassion. Everyone is dealing with a shit heap of their own. It’s not a game of one-ups. You have no idea. Make a far greater impression by caring, rather than trying to get a quick ego boost by bringing someone down because that is hideous.

Be kind. Why? Because it feels great and positivity is contagious.

Be yourself. Your time on this planet is limited. Why bother being anyone but yourself? Make your mark, no matter how small and know that it is enough. Have five shrimp cocktails if you want. Anyone who is keeping count is clearly not having fun. (If you haven’t figured it out yet, do it. Take the time. Dig real deep and when you get there, love the shit out of you.)

Genuinely listen. This is a big one. Everyone wants to be heard. Put the phone away and connect with a true and real person in front of you. In our modern age, making a person feel like a human is a big deal and distinguishes you as someone worth being around.

Respect all. Respect yourself.

Be confident. Your words have meaning. Your feelings are valid. Believe in yourself. This is power.

Dare to be vulnerable. This is the hardest and scariest of them all. Strangely enough, being vulnerable is a great strength. Vulnerability does NOT equal weakness. Let yourself make home in your vulnerability. It can be a safe place. You are human. You have a conscience. You are emotional. Embrace it. It’s a beautiful thing.

No. None of these things have to do with masking your appearance into something else that you are not. However, living in these ideas will help you be the kind of person that shines from within because no one can fuck with what you think of yourself when you love who you are and you believe in that and that is a beautiful thing.

The Joy of First World Problems in your Twenties

We’re going on a year – in Chicago – making it all count for something. Technically, we’re nine months in and the only thing to have been born from this experience thus far has been an abundance of life lessons. I’ve talked a lot about coming to terms with my own issues that I’ve put off for years… general dissatisfaction with my body for the most part — like many women. And it’s only been in recent days that I’ve come to realize I have all that I need to change and rebuild myself into the best version of myself and that is exactly what I intend to do.

Let’s sum up since Day 1:

– Started at a new Starbucks

–  Started at iO

–  Interned at iO for four months

–  Created independent improv group: “TSDS” aka “Pending” aka “TGIF”

–  Traveled to Rochester NY for Christmas

–  Sick on first NYE abroad

–  Hating Starbucks

–  Almost had to bail iO for lack of funds, but persevered

–  Perform for the first time with TSDS – SWEET SUCCESS

–  Pick up second job at Homemade Pizza Co.

–  Perform for the second time with “TSDS” – Fun!

–  Get job at Felines and Canines as an Adoption Counselor

–  Quit working in food/service

–  Foster adorable pet-to-be Max

–  Surrender pet-to-be Max

–  Currently in level 4B at iO (two more levels left!)

AND IT’S TIME.

I’m not sure if that seems like a lot or not in the span of nine months, but it was a lot of ups and downs, and the downs were ridiculously deep downs. Ultimately, I hadn’t realized that transitioning into my own independent life would take so long, but then again, I’m a dreamer sometimes so these things are always ideal in my head and then I deal with the crap as it hits the fan when necessary.  As it is now, I’m pleasantly at a job that is fulfilling, with a small, supportive team, with regular hours and a somewhat flexible schedule that allows me to pursue theatre to my fragile heart’s desire. I don’t know that I could really ask for more — only that now, I have time to prep for this career that I’ve been trying to go after for some time now, which means I have to do the work.

It’s funny though that I’ve gotten comfortable with not knowing the end product. For years now, I’ve had my eyes fixed on maybe being in a tv series, or landing a small role in an independent film to sort of launch a career… at the very least, landing an agent and perhaps those are all realistic goals. Yet, I’ve gotten okay with letting things happen and seeing how these “dreams” evolve. I guess I just want to live. I use “dream” loosely because if you think about it, the idea of following your dreams ultimately leads to an endless pursuit of something that will not come into fruition because dreams are just that… not real, but more of a psychological layer that gives bits and pieces of truth some limelight in your own reflection of life – not to mention they are always changing, so when you realize that maybe that which you were going after has become something else, it doesn’t feel like giving up. It just feels like heading into a new direction. I guess that’s where I am… but I also feel that in the pursuit of doing improv, which I thoroughly enjoy, I have fallen into a slump in my theatrical pursuits. This makes me sad, mainly in that I know it’s something I have to work towards again. In our little group, we tend to do more grounded work and having had a background in Shakespeare and drama, I tend to gravitate towards heavier scenes with the “straight man” in our group and those are the scenes that always feel the best. I miss doing that and it has allowed me to rediscover my need for Stanislavski and Meisner and Uta Hagen.

The ugly truth about these reflections is that I’m not in a place where I am comfortable with myself to really be marketable as a well-rounded actor because my insecurities have run my life for who knows how long. I’ve been comfortable for so long being overweight that I think I gave up on seeing it as a problem. That’s not to say that it IS a problem, but for me, I know a lot of my unhappiness stems from this. I’m generally uncomfortable in my own skin and the hinders me from letting go of all my baggage and really enjoy life to the fullest. I guess the difference between now and times past is that I am now in a place where I can be control of most aspects of my life because I am the only person I HAVE to care about. I jumped into the decision of getting a pet because it was a great distraction from focusing my energies on myself, or at least it’s a possible reason, because it’s going to be one of the hardest things, but also the most beneficial and I’m looking forward to evolving into  a better me.  I should feel that I deserve to be loved and I deserve the amazing friends and people that have come into my life and that I don’t need to settle for anything because I am not as worthy as the next person simply because of my weight or my looks or my lack of what some would consider success. Happiness is work and it’s such a shame that it isn’t just a given, but it’s become a privilege that you have to work towards as well. I guess that’s the cost for what so many of us take for granted in a “first world” home.

I might sound a bit bitter, but I think I’ve finally got some peace of mind and some clarity. In some ways, the work I have to do in the upcoming months is exciting because it’s all for myself and I’m not going to feel selfish for that. I’m looking forward to feeling better about myself, and I think that will generally lead to feeling better about everything and if that can’t be labeled as success… I’m just not going to care.